Friday, April 29, 2016

Four Months and Forgiving

Weight: 16lb 6.4oz
Length: 24.5 in
Head: 41.4 cm

Jess and I try to remember how our oldest behaved at certain points in his babydom for reference with our youngest. Even though it was only two years ago, it seems like a lifetime and it is hard to say whether the Pumpkin is generally behaving the same way. In some ways, I feel like he should be acting different but I don't know how. What else should a four month old being doing besides eating, sleeping, wanting to be held and spending little spurts here and there on his own? I think, we both just want him to be happier, more content or maybe feel he should be a happier baby, that he should be content for longer periods of time on his own than he is able. Whether or not this is because his brother was or just because we know that he one day will be, I don't know. This is a dangerous zone to enter though, one we'll probably straddle more than once in this little guy's life. Not just comparing him to his brother and vice versa (though I've already decided they are complete opposites for a reason), but comparing him to our own expectations, as faulty as those may be. Sweet Pea had the benefit of being born to a fresh set of parents that had no expectations of what a baby is. Pumpkin was not afforded that luxury and is gypped in even more ways. The second born child cannot possibly get as much attention as the first and I feel guilty about this constantly even though it is impossible to prevent. I already worry that he doesn't feel as loved as his brother because he is having to wait a little bit longer to be picked up, perhaps having to cry a bit longer at times and, in general, having his needs put on hold a little longer than his brother ever did at the same moments in life. To be fair, his brother is too learning about patience and waiting and sharing time. And I know these are good things for a person to learn. They are things that most people with or without siblings need to coexist in society but it still makes me feel sad for him; seeing that excited, wide open smile and delight in his eyes when he meets yours that seems to say "Yay! You're here!" makes me think that this innocent child should always have the benefit of looking into someone's loving eyes. But he can't; because something needs to be cleaned, put away, diapered, fed, played with, let outside, washed, put to bed, and left to relax in the moments that Pumpkin is content and happy. And letting that be okay is something that I need to learn, and forgive myself for not giving Pumpkin (and Sweet Pea) the perfect childhood he deserves.

On to more material things: the little Pumpkin is growing up strongly and surely. He's surprisingly in the mid and lower percentiles for height and weight - everyone who sees him comments on how big he is! He's still stuck around 4 oz for every bottle and it is a crapshoot whether he will keep any of it down or not; he eats between every 1.5-3 hours during the day. For several weeks he was still getting up twice a night but going back to sleep during or as soon as his bottle was done. Jess savored this time at night, to have a baby fall asleep on him again, since the Pumpkin was repugnant to do so otherwise. Twice a night is hard during the work week but just when I thought I wouldn't be able to stand another night, he woke only once, then not at all, then twice, then not at all. He is hard to pin down (!) but I think we're moving in a positive direction.  

The Pumpkin is also turning into a chubby snuggle bunny! He loves 'sitting' with his Dada and looking out at the world. And only recently, after hours (minutes) of walking, bouncing and swaying with him in my arms, he actually put his head down on my shoulder! And after many more hours (minutes) of the same, I felt that oh so satisfying sigh and release of a little body giving in to sleep...on my shoulder. I actually sat down and he was still asleep! Since then he has been more willing to put his head down on us, whether to gnaw on his hand (always the right) or just to relax for a little. It's so nice!

Pumpkin, we've made some real progress in the last month and I feel like it is only going to get
better. We finally got you some medicine for your rashes and eczema so I'm hoping that will make you feel better. And I'm so thrilled that you put your head on my shoulder....I can't even say how much. ♥♥♥♥♥ The big events of the month were you getting to meet the Easter bunny for the first time - totally not impressed; and seeing some of your Emerson family for the first time - definitely like that more. Papa was so happy to finally meet you!

You're starting to find your hands and they are delicious. You also like swinging in your swing which quickly turns into napping in your swing. And your finding toys fun to hold on to and put in your mouth. You still love following your brother around the room, trying to see what the guy is up to. And your are so very generous with that gorgeous smile! It's so easy and yet so gratifying to get you to smile a big gummy, dimply smile; it lights up everyone else that sees it.  Love you my chunky monkey!